For the "Nearly Mums" Today
Another Mother's Day dawns today. For the last couple of weeks I had promised, swore to, myself that I'd avoid the internet like the plague today. Before two weeks ago though my plan from last year was to have a gorgeous blog post all about the 'Irish Mammies' and celebrate the day in a flourish of happiness. As those of you who know me are aware I lost a child in 2000 through miscarriage and last November I found out my mother had left us all.
Given my age any hope of having our own children is gone out the door. After the horrendous miscarriage of 2000 when I only barely made it through the next nerve wrecking day which had been touch and go. All I kept hearing from nurses scurrying around my bedside "she's too young to be so sick". Poor Tony thought yet again I was leaving him forever. Thankfully I made it and after a short while of building myself up I was back to my bouncy self. Little did I know what I actually had done was blocked the whole episode out. My mind in order to cope had unconsciously shut it out.
It wasn't until a year or so later when I had my hospital chart in my hands waiting to go in for tests that I had an opportunity to "scan" through the charts. I know the nurses tell you not to look but hey the chart was looking up and begging me to open it. Written in bold black pen was written "spontaneous abortion". How cold and clinical. The grieving started in abundance then. The horrible night the gruelling pain and heartache came flooding back. It took a long time to learn to accept it. What followed was a total reluctance to try again. I'd been so sick I couldn't face another loss like that. Plus I might never make it through the ordeal a second-time round.
The pregnancy had come as a total shock to both of us. When I became chronically ill all those years ago we had consciously made a decision not to have children. Imagine you're just about to marry the person of your dreams and know you've made a decision not to try for children. Little did I know how cruel other women can be. I think the worse was when a "bitch" in the workplace told me I hated children, why should I care about Mother's Day. The decision not to have children was difficult enough. Being so close to having one of our own years later was even harder to take.
Last year when my mother passed I thankfully had two great friends who got me through it. They checked up on me and gave me such support. Tony was away at the time so only for them.
Now this post may seem sad and a huge moan but it's so much further from the truth. Over the last few weeks, the dread and fear of the pain I'd go through today was growing. I knew I couldn't do my funny and happy celebratory post on great Irish mammies. This is my way of acknowledging that not all of us women will have the blessing of children. There's nothing wrong with that. We just need to learn to accept that we have other gifts and blessings. I have never acknowledged my pain in public before. I sincerely hope that you finding this and are a "Nearly Mum" that it gives you a sense of peace or helps you on your journey to finding some.
When I woke this morning Tony snuggled me up beside him, wrapped his arm around my neck and whispered "Happy Nearly Mum's Day". A few tears came to my eyes but of happiness. He's been a rock of support to me today. The gorgeous daffodils and bluebells are from our garden. He brought me to my favourite house decor shop (Next) and bought me a "Recipe for Love" sign which is partially in view in the photos.
All in all it's been a fantastic "Nearly Mum's Day" for me.
In honour of my own mum's great apple tarts when I was growing up I've made my own gluten-free version. See photo below.
I also want to thank Nessa Brennan for this wonderful Mothers Day Meringues & Memories. Reading this post in the last two days help me to acknowledge my sadness. It's now well time to move on.
With all my love today, hope you find happiness. And for all your Mums out there Happy Mother's Day.